Summary:
- For the first time, my markers are slightly up which shook me up
- Need to find a clinical trial (meeting this week with first doctor)
- Next chemo on Monday morning
Five months have gone by very quickly…
As I start my 11th cycle (out of 12) of chemo on Monday, March 11, I’m feeling a little anxious about my future. I’m worried because I will no longer have the predictable “safety net” routine of treatment which has been helping me to fight my cancer. Also, the chemo sessions have been a structured distraction while dealing with all this craziness. As I get closer to the end of my chemo treatments, my main focus will now be on finding a clinical trial as my next step.
I am actively researching and, ultimately, deciding on which clinical trials (CT) to apply for and hopefully participate in, and I’m very grateful to be living in Southern California where there are a number of clinical trials being administered. One is even a personal referral from my oncologist, and I’m meeting with that doctor this week.
Also, up until now, my markers had steadily continued to decrease until this week when my test results showed a slight increase in the numbers. I have to admit that has been troubling, but I understand that marker numbers can fluctuate in both directions between chemo cycles, and I’m hoping that my future numbers will return to moving in the right direction.
Just like with my life, and even all the steps throughout this diagnosis, I’m trying to trust God for the next step. And, the “next step” is about all I’ve ever been able to handle. I’ve had an amazingly interesting and wonderful life, but I always kept asking God, “okay, where do you want me to be?” and I’d try to show up there.
Life choices
Past: With a diagnosis like mine, I can understand looking back at one’s life and your life choices. Yes, there have been both many good and less desirable choices I’ve made with my life, but overall, I’m honored to have lived this life.
Current: For better or worse, the current period is one of scrambling to attack the cancer and get as much spiritual, emotional and financial support/stability just so I can make it through the diagnosis and research phase.
Future: has been largely two main choices:
- What medical decisions do I make after the end of my chemo? Go on maintenance? Choose one of the available clinical trials?
- What do I do with the “extra” time I’ve been given? Do “bucket list items?” I don’t even have a bucket list. Do I see friends, family? Resolve issues? Avoid issues? Invest in Gamestop?
“Regrets, I’ve had a few, but then again…too few to mention 🎶”
(Note, as my sister can attest, we heard Frank Sinatra’s “My Way” on LP/cassette repeat for the majority of our childhood courtesy of my father)
By the way, I am comfortable with making “mistakes.” If I choose/get accepted into a clinical trial only to find that it doesn’t work or something, I’m comfortable with that as long as I’ve prayerfully made that decision. I also understand that sometimes you may have to go through more than one clinical trial before you find one that hopefully works for you. I’m also okay if my participation/contribution ends up just forwarding research. But, then again, who knows, I might be all talk. I’m human and may kick myself in the pants, but big picture wise, I’m okay with things.
I would appreciate prayers for:
- That I may qualify for and be accepted to an effective clinical trial
- That God will continue to guide me in making the right medical decisions particularly regarding choosing a clinical trial.
- That my marker numbers decrease
The manna keeps coming
This Sunday morning before church, I was praying about my cancer marker number and God called to mind the story of Him providing manna to the Israelites when they were complaining/worrying about not having enough food.
When I went to church, the message just reinforced the same idea.
For 20 weeks I’ve had continual good reports with my markers declining. This week was the first time it went up slightly. I was surprised at how much I felt defeated.
For perspective, there are people who have been diagnosed and, unfortunately, never even made it this far. My handling of the chemo has been unexpectedly good AND I’ve had continual declines in my cancer markers.
I’ve reconciled with my sister after an unnecessary and painful series of mutual miscommunications. I’ve been able to tell people I love them, and I’ve been able to keep working during my treatments.
I’m on a good insurance plan that’s able to support my medical needs, and my cancer markers are less than one-sixth of when I started.
Blessings can come in the midst of pain and confusion. Sometimes I have to stop and recognize what a blessed experience this has been. I’ve received healing and encouragement in a dark time. I have to remember God’s been providing manna all along. Today, I recognized I was taking some things for granted.
This cancer life is a combination of faith and fear, of trust and trembling.
But if I take a step back and look at the big picture, I trust that God is in control. It doesn’t mean I don’t get shaken or have momentary doubts, but I have Someone to turn to.
Today, at the end of church service, I felt compelled to ask three strangers who I had just met to pray for me. I don’t like asking for: 1) help, 2) things from strangers, and 3) things that make people feel uncomfortable, but I feel this is what the church is supposed to do.
I quickly explained my situation and if they would take 60 seconds to pray for me. They did, and two of the women cried and I have no idea what that was about, and I felt it was invasive to ask, so I didn’t…lol.
As much as it’s a weird request on my part and for them to participate. It can also be faith-building. For me, maybe it helps me live a little longer, or a little more comfortably, and for all of us, maybe we’ll remember that we were put in an awkward situation, and we responded “yes.”
I don’t know how this all works, but I’m trying to trust.
And remember how God has always provided for me.
P
Hi Peter, hope everything goes well with you.