Summary:
My 12th chemo is on Monday, March 25.
Reflection on God’s provision through an answered prayer.
Resources for finding clinical trials.
I kept asking for something that was being provided for me all along.
In Matthew, it says “whoever has ears let them hear.”
Well sometimes I didn’t hear.
I’m sure the irony of this story is funnier to me than a third person…lol
The boat thing
Humor me if you could… Recently at church, our Pastor started the service with a story I’ve heard many times before: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W36tR-bpDOE&t=60s
At the beginning, when I was getting diagnosed, it was a whirlwind of information, feelings, thoughts, and a whole new world. I had feelings of peace, confusion, fear, purpose, and they were all happening simultaneously.
My faith didn’t fail me, but it definitely was challenged, and I wished I had someone to talk to because nothing was making sense. I prayed for a Christian guy, perhaps with a similar cancer and situation, so I could bounce some of the craziness that was going on inside my head off of him. I just figured the more similar the diagnosis, it’d be easier to relate.
Long story short, over that weekend, I met someone at church who wanted to introduce me to a guy visiting from Hawaii with a similar cancer. That day he made three attempts to have me meet the guy, but I just wasn’t in the mood because of everything that was going on. I just needed less busyness, more sanity.
Even though he was just 20 yards away, I didn’t want to make the time to meet him. Yet I was literally praying to talk with someone Christian with pancreatic cancer.
I reluctantly turned down the hall and met this smiling, energetic guy, Bobby. He was healthy, kind, and the first words out of my mouth to him were, “I don’t understand what’s going on, nothing makes sense, I have faith and confusion, and I don’t know what’s going on!” Bobby smiled and said “Exactly! That’s the way it is, hang on brother!”
I felt like crying. I had someone that helped me feel a little less alone, and a lot less crazy. Over the months, we talked, and he and his wife have been such a support and encouragement to me as I’ve gone through things.
He’s had ups and downs, and some terrible experiences, and some miraculous comebacks.
Right now, he’s recovering from a surgery and is part of a clinical study that is having some really hopeful results, Bobby’s tumor response being part of that incredible result.
But it wasn’t until last month that I realized the irony that I was literally living out that story about the guy in the boat!
First off, it’s a little annoying that I lived out in real life, a sermon illustration.
Secondly, sometimes, even in the midst of feeling overwhelmed and unanswered, I’m so busy bemoaning, I don’t realize I’m not seeing the answer’s right in front of me.
Sometimes I’m too busy trying to fix it myself, or feeling bad, or scared, or whatever.
The life that I’ve lived, and seen others (like Bobby) live, give me hope and courage to trust. Even in the midst of busyness, if I stop and look at the big picture, I have not been forsaken. Even in trying times, I have been provided provision, trust and hope. Please remember to keep Bobby in your prayers also.
The clinical trials thing
This new phase/time/period I’m entering is a little daunting. To a lot of people, ending chemo sounds like a good thing, but for me, it’s two unknowns: 1) what, if any, treatment will I be able to receive? 2) If clinical trials are an option, which one?
I was told to research and apply to clinical trials and was given some websites to work through, clinicaltrials.gov and a non-profit organization, pancan.org. They had information regarding clinical trials, but it was a lot of medical-speak and a lot of overwhelming information at a time where I was feeling a bit overwhelmed overall.
I told someone on my team that I’d be willing to pay for someone to research all the clinical trials to find the best ones for me based on: pancreatic, my stage, my biomarker, and geographically feasible.
And then I realized that’s exactly what pancan.org does. Among fundraising, raising awareness, etc, they have case workers (paid staff) who search databases for clinical studies specific to your profile, and then you can review that info with your doctor!
And in the next step, they’ll assign someone to help you apply to those clinical studies.
I felt so relieved after my caseworker spent an hour on the phone with me going over the paperwork, explaining it and making sense of it, and telling me of the services that they offer. The same services that a week ago, I was wishing existed. I even had all that info in my emails from months ago. I just didn’t realize it.
Late note:
Just got my lab results.
For the second cycle in a row, they’re slightly higher. It’s a small amount, but the trend is not in the direction we desire. Your prayers are appreciated.
I can’t base all my emotions on these results, but sometimes they can take a little wind out of my sails. But I look forward to what happens next. I’ll check with my doc to see how this plays into choosing the next steps.
P
